2018 has been one of the most emotionally difficult years of my life.
Torrential rains that threatened major work projects. An emotionally abusive freelance client. Overworking. Being cyber bullied to the point of panic attacks. The death of my grandmothers. Illness. Political and interpersonal turmoil.
On a practical level, I can acknowledge that there have also been many good things, but the fog of grief, confusion, fear, and self doubt have often clouded enjoyment of those things.
And so, it is time to take a break. A real break, not just some time working behind-the-scenes.
I already deleted my Instagram account, which at first felt terrifying but now feels like the most logical decision I ever made. Now it’s time to bask in the glow of the Advent season, singing carols and attending parties, and leave room to slow down and unwind with family and friends.
I feel like I’ve been grabbing at the muddy side of a mountain desperate not to succumb to the fate of roadkill on the windy path below. The scrambling is exhausting.
The performance is exhausting.
The thing I’m learning is that there is nothing that says we must perform our lives for others on the internet. We are still valid people without one blip of an internet presence. At some point I forgot that I used to do this
and not out of a sense of obligation.
The rat race is real, even in a niche with the words “ethical” and “sustainable” tacked to the beginning of it. You work really hard to track with your cohort, to, at the very least, not be told you “run like a grandma” by the proverbial class bully (even if that bully is really your own internal voice), but it can feel impossible to keep up. And the urge to keep a captive audience is real even when, in effect, you’re flailing your arms and making a fool of yourself to stay relevant.
I want to spend some time getting dressed, for myself. Writing, for myself. Thinking, for myself and no one else. I have dozens of goals and limited brain capacity.
And so, I retreat.
If you need me, you can still email me at email@example.com or leave a comment on the blog.
See you next year!!